Thoughts Overloaded.

I am sitting here with a keyboard in front of me on the computers desks thinking whether if I should or shouldn’t type this in a blog post to express a few of things that has gone on lately, well a bit longer than lately I think and it has aggravated me more than anything. It is something that has given me a hard time trying to get some sleep or trying to rest myself and I don’t usually write, type or talk it out about my thoughts or my emotions especially in public as some would usually like to keep them privately rather than letting anyone to know but sometimes what they don’t realize is that keeping things to themselves are harder than to talk it out. Keeping something that is bothering them especially if it has bothered them for a long while instead of going to someone to talk them out are never a good thing because all it is doing nothing but adding a lot of stresses, longer you keep something to yourself the more stresses you would get and the more stresses you allow it to get can be harmful especially to yourself so sometimes it can be better to talk your feelings out to someone. Of course I know that you’re thinking that its way too uncomfortable to be telling anyone what is bothering you emotionally because that’s what I am thinking or feeling now writing this post but in the end you should feel a lot better than keeping something that has bothered you lately to yourself, if something that is bothering you will hurt someone else feelings by being honest or truthfully then you’re saving yourself from a headache because it would be better that you’re telling something to someone before they find out themselves because it hurts them a lot more to find out themselves than to hear it from yourself and the truth would eventually comes out in later time anyway.

You don’t have to talk your feelings out in public like I am doing now as it is your choice whether if you would like to talk your feelings out publicly or privately but let it to be somebody instead of some papers or across on the internet that allows you to keep it private from anyone having an access to it. Even if some of your thoughts or feelings is something that you’d be embarrassed to share with somebody, it is okay because it is important that you keep that in mind that it’s not embarrassing to tell your feelings out to someone as it is harmful if you keep it to yourself and something that’s harmful is never something to be embarrassed of.

Anyway this post is not for everyone out there who reads articles or blogs because I am only writing this is to hopefully feel better or at least to shake off some of stresses I have lately because being stressed isn’t always fun. There is a chance that I might be blabbing here and there because I am having a bit of hard time trying to write what is bothering me as my thoughts at the moment are mixed with different of things. Pardon me if I begin to blab or becomes a bit of gibberish somewhere in this post and beside this isn’t the article that I carefully write as I am typing out of my mind or at least what is coming out of my head. For the past days or weeks my thoughts often overloads because I have thought about a lot of things at same time that’s making me feel like my head is about to explode because it’s as if my thoughts is exceeding the limits that my brain holds.

I have thought a lot about the death of my family which that would be my papaw, mamaw, aunt Debbie and my uncle Brian. My uncle Brian passed away because of his livers stopped working because he was an alcoholic as he was drinking several cans of beers daily for practically the rest of his life ever since he has become almost an adult which that is the age 18. When he hits his 40s age was when he started having health problems due to livers failure from drinking beers daily, he then was hospitalized for several days when he happened to find out that his livers has stopped working so the doctor warned him to not drink alcohol anymore because they have come to an agreement that if Brian would not drink alcohol for 6 weeks I believe that they would put Brian on the list for livers transplant so that he could have a working liver which that would obviously give him longer time to live and Brian surprisingly stopped drinking alcohol for once of all so that he would be put on livers transplant list but then the agreement between Brian and the doctor had been broken by the doctor himself because for some reasons the doctor lied to Brian saying that he wouldn’t be able to be put on the livers transplant because he still has some alcohol in him but what the stupid doctor doesn’t realize is that the alcohol would still be in Brian’s system even quitting drinking for 6 weeks because his livers that stopped holds the alcohol so he would have alcohol somewhere in his body but still that shouldn’t be the excuse for the doctor to break an agreement with him especially that the agreement that was Brian to not drink alcohol for six weeks which he hadn’t. Only if maybe that Brian had a different doctor that’s better than the doctor Brian was visiting then he could maybe be still alive today, I don’t know and that is the question that has driven me insane lately.

As goes for my grandmother she passed away just a week before my birthday, also a week before her own mother passed away too and my mamaw’s cause of death were due to cancer that was spreading to way quick that there was no way that they’d have the time to treats her cancer because it was spreading in her bloodstream. Even though my mamaw was in her 70s when she has passed away, but I have a feeling that she could have more time to be alive because there are several people who is in her ages who’s very much alive and kicking well. My aunt Debbie passed away because of blood clot but what started that? Her freaking broken ankle. She fell from the stairs at my mamaw’s house where it broke in three or four pieces of her ankle bone I believe, she had a successful surgery I think but apparently something had to go wrong because after the surgery the doctor were supposed to be giving Debbie some kinds of blood thinner medicine to help her to treat her ankle but the doctor forgot to write out a prescription for blood thinner from her ankle which that caused her death within’ a week after her ankle surgery so why in the heck she had to pass away just because of not having the proper treatments that she supposed to be receiving? Almost half of my family passed away because of the same hospital which that would be ARH in South Williamson, KY, the hospital that my mamaw, Debbie and Brian went to before they passed away so the blames obviously flat-out points at ARH. This is one of the reasons that I have said if anything happens to me or my mother that we will NOT be treated at ARH for anything and that we would have to do so at Campbell hospital in Huntington, WV or ST. Mary but if it is very emergency that we would have to get to it right away then it would have to be the hospital in Pikeville, KY because Campbell or St. Mary is about two hours drive and Pikeville hospital is about 30 minutes although I am sure ambulance would get us there in about a good 15 minutes.

But that isn’t all that has bothered me lately because like I said my thoughts is overloaded which means as usually there are thousands more that’s swirling around in my head but I have no time to say it all out though. I am also having a bit of hard time thinking about wanting to have a girlfriend that I could spend my time with everyday or weekends because I don’t like being lonely anymore especially that I am getting older now and I always think about wanting to have a family for myself which it is something that I am afraid of because I am not getting any younger. Many years ago I would always thought that I would be married to a beautiful woman or at least have a beautiful girlfriend when I am in late 20s or early 30s which is the age I am getting to but I am not married to anyone or I don’t have a girlfriend now or has lately because I have a very difficult time to even get myself a girlfriend due to communication problem especially that I am hard of hearing where I would need to communicate in sign language or at least writing on papers to begin with. Not only communication problem I have because I believe that being in wheelchair avoid myself from having a girlfriend because obviously who would be attracted to a guy like myself in a wheelchair? Women is very judging today especially by their appearances, not only that the women today often would want some guys that hurts their feelings (we call them bad/mean boys) than to be with someone like myself who would never want to hurt them and would treats them just the way they should be treated. I am sure that if I throw money in front of them that they would be immediately all over me but I am not going to allow myself to be used for money, never again because in my belief that money cannot buy love.

Sometimes I would wonder if there is someone who do like me but are too shy to let me know because what if I like them too? They can never know if they aren’t going to let me know I guess. For many years I had some hope that one day I would finally be settled down with a beautiful woman even if it means having just a girlfriend, eventually a family if everything goes well down the road and the hope that I have had for many years is disappearing as I am typing this so I almost have no hope at all for anything basically. I am tired of people who tells me that I would find someone in due time because then I would already have a girlfriend by now which I don’t so please don’t tell me that anymore because I don’t think I am in mood for having another hope that I would hold on for many years like I have been. Although of course I do appreciate that some of the people who tell me a such thing but all what it is doing is giving me some false hope which it is something that I don’t need anymore because in my mind that it’s enough is enough for once of all. It is weird that I used to not be without anyone more than a week for these years until I graduated from high school which that is when I started being without someone for more than a week, perhaps years so apparently my luck is gone and you’d think by now that I had over 50 girlfriends literally that I’d at least have someone by now which I have not.

Now the doctor is telling my mother that she’s got a high risk of having heart attack so obviously that is too much for me than anything because this is my mom that we’re talking about and for what I have been gone through I am not going to allow myself to go any further than how much I have been gone through so I am here praying to God that she would get some help to lower that chance of having heart attack and to do that she would have to stop eating something that is greases or anything that has sugar because she is diabetic which that makes it even worse in having a high-risk chance of heart attack. Mom I hope you are reading this, I am sure eventually you will be so I am begging you mom.. Take care of yourself, you are all I have… I mean literally. I know you can do it, we will do it together so we can get yourself better and so that I can have you longer.

I have two sisters who removed me off their friends list on Facebook or more so entirely out of their life, because I am more than hurt for that they never would come visiting me especially on any holidays such as Christmas which is the most important holiday out of all other holidays. They choose to be with their boyfriends or somebody else that is not their family more than me, obviously I have the very reasons to be upset and hurt at same times because I love both of my sisters Suzanne and Racheal. We are no longer in contact with each others, we haven’t talked to each others longer than years, Racheal went off to marry someone, having a wedding without inviting me but my sister Suzanne were invited as she were one of her grooms. They never show any interests in me anymore ever since they’ve become adults, when they were kids I was one who they looked up to because I am the oldest especially to Suzanne as I am her big brother and the only one. They are always busy to come to see me, they left me out of something that were important to them because I always want to be taken a part of their life just as I would want them to take a part of my life because they are my little sisters even though I may have said I disowned them to themselves out of angry but apparently that never bothered them because I had a feeling that I am never that important to them even that I am not, they are very important to me, always will be until the day I am dead regardless what they think of me. My sisters would drive by my house many times without stopping by to even say hello because they wanted to see someone who lives on the same street that I lives on, but when I go up the same street where they lives on they’re the first ones I’d go see which I have and when Suzanne moved to an apartment guess where I’ve been? There. Once, or twice a week until she moved back to our father, of course it’s something that she don’t care as just like I thought, since they pretended I am nobody and I’d do anything for them more than taking a bullet when all I ask in return is to visit me on Christmas, just ONE day out of a year is just enough for me because it’s better than never but.. Her boyfriend is more important, she sees him everyday so I guess he’s lucky that he gets to see her at all times when I don’t. There is a lot more story to this but in ends I always hope that they’d realize what they’ve done to me eventually, then apologize by showing it and not with words because I am non-believer in words as the action speaks louder but regardless that we may never will talk to each others again they are still ones of the most important in my life – I’d die proudly to know that its me, not them.

I have realized that I haven’t been in contact with anyone over some of the weeks, I am sorry about that because I have had hard time myself and I have been extremely busy with everything else but I will try my best to be in touch with some of you more. I would never intended to hurt your feelings or to make you feel that I am not there for you anymore because it is never my intention even it may seem it is but it’s just that I have everything going on my plates which is a lot of stresses and pressures. If you need to get a hold of me then simply contact me through my personal Facebook profile or if it is emergency then make a call then I would be here.

I still have a lot of things swirling around in my head as my thoughts overloaded but these are the main problems I have, there is still a lot more than what I have said in here but it would take me forever to write the entire of my thoughts which it is something that I have no time for. It is getting late so I think I am going to wrap this up but remember guys, if you have something that is bothering you then get it out of your chest because it’s not fun at all to keep it inside you. If you know someone to hook me up, then let me know (haha! – Kidding). Thank you very much for your time reading this article, although it may not be the article that you’re looking for because I know it is not the articles that I used to write but I felt that I had to get it out of my chest with a hope that I would feel better. I hope all of you have a great night, stay safe wherever you all are or whatever it is that you are planning on to do for the night and stay awesome my friends!

– Joshie.

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